The Enemy that I can only see~Part II

Do I have my purse? Check. Is my cell phone near? Check. Are my keys in sight? Check. Is my car outside? Check. Where is the nearest hospital? Check. I share with you just a few thoughts that pace through my mind each moment of the day. Have you ever heard of fight or flight, it was first described by Walter Cannon. It is one’s reaction to an event or situation that is perceived as threatening. As you can see, I am constantly in flight mode. The thing is that my perceived threats are my thoughts! This brings me to the second enemy that only I can see. Anxiety. Sure, we all have our moments when we experience anxiety, any event can bring upon anxiousness. From public speaking, going on a first date, to making a major purchase, finances, or an important decision one must make. Truly everything in between can cause it. However, in the normal state this feeling is fleeting it comes and goes. Mental illness is formed when it becomes overwhelming when that uneasiness does not let up, when that anxiousness is with you every second of the day. Instead of fleeting, it lasts for hours upon hours, days amongst days. Anxiety is defined as a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Anxiety turns into this immense feeling of fear. Fearful that something terrible is about to happen any second and there is nothing that you will be able to do about it.

Researchers are not quite sure as to the cause of this mental illness also known as panic disorder. It is a complicated network of causes. They do suggest that genetics plays a role as well as non-genetic factors. With so little information known on the cause. This is probably why this illness is most difficult for people to understand. It is definitely not easy for the ones such as myself, that go through this battle to explain. What I will let you know that it depletes ALL your energy. Aside from the fact that it interferes with your ability to function. You are left in an exhausting state after you have utilized all your strength to try and make it through the day by constantly telling yourself that you will be okay.

Frequently, I feel my heart racing, my fingers a tingle, my arm begins to have this ache and why does it have to be the left arm? I am beyond scared; All I can think of is heart attack. I cannot seem to catch my breath. Take deep breaths in and out slowly I tell myself, but I cannot. Try to walk it off, but I am panic-stricken it leaves me paralyzed. I begin to feel my face, pinch my skin, to make me feel if I have the tiniest bit of control over my body. Swallowing, becomes difficult, which is why I always carry a bottle of water with me. I feel the water going down my throat. It relieves me a little. When I can finally move, I swiftly gather my things. I jump in my car, if I am at home because I feel as though I am about to drop in any second. I drive to the hospital; I circle the parking lot until the feeling goes away. This is known as an anxiety attack, a sudden an intense episode of fear and anxiety. If the anxiety attack happens while I am driving, sometimes I must stop the car and get out. Please DO NOT LET ME BE STUCK IN TRAFFIC, I am petrified! Again, I head to the nearest hospital and drive around the parking lot until the feeling wears off. What do I do if I am at work or around people? I try to the best of my ability to play it off. Step away unnoticed, because I do not want anyone to know what is going on, it is embarrassing. And if I happen to be invited to an event, I dare not ruin it so often I decline. It just not that fun trying to have fun when all you can think of is something terrible is about to happen in any second. Plus, you never know when that feeling might hit you. One of my favorite poets says it best “anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to bring to the party. I am the party, only I am the party that I don’t want to be at.”

This illness lets fear comes in and consumes you. You are always waiting for the next one to hit you. You never know when or where. It always stays pinned at the top of your mind. Your mind is stuck on something awful happening or going to happen and you try your best to shake those thoughts out of your head. This invisible enemy results in me staying in my safe place, which is my bed, wrapped up in my blanket like a cocoon. Which is what I like to call “my cocoon”. I say all the time how much I love to sleep, when I dig deeper into this, I realize it is not sleep that I love, but when I am asleep the antagonizing terror goes away.

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxieties on HIM because he cares for you. I know some say that faith and fear do not belong together. I do not believe that fear exhibits the absence of faith. There are many verses throughout the bible that speaks of fear, anxiousness, and worry. I do believe that just maybe, fear is a faith activator. I know for certain when I am going through these terrors. I can only call on Jesus!!!! There are many stories in the bible where people were fearful and filled with anxiety. Which is why one of the most common commands is Fear Not. Isaiah 41:13: For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you. You know the list I mentioned at the beginning, well this verse makes me mindful of another checklist: Do we serve a God that can do all things? Check! Do we serve a God that is faithful? Check! Do we serve a God that says he will never leave or forsake us? Check! Is God my refuge? Check!

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