The Enemy that I can only see~Part I

Have you ever gone through an experience that left you crushed into so many pieces that you felt as if you were unrecognizable? Now imagine those tiny pieces being crushed and crushed to the point that the thought of being put back together again almost is laughable. Recall the story of Humpty Dumpty? Well, the story goes that he took a great big fall and all the King's horses and all King’s men, could not put Humpty together again. Can you imagine how one must feel after such an experience? If you had a chance to read my previous blogs, you see that I have endured much. Although I try my absolute very best to look on the bright side of each situation. At times I do feel like Humpty Dumpty. I feel as if I have taken a big fall. This results in this intense sadness that does not seem to escape me. This sadness is abnormal. It immobilizes me. This brings me to the topic I would like to share with you today Mental Illness. Mental illness is defined as a wide range of conditions that affect mood, thinking, and behavior.

Mental illness is a topic that was swept under the rug for many years. In recent years it has become more of a topic of conversation. For this reason, everyone seems to be more focused on Mental Health. The great thing is that it has prompted people that suffering to feel more comfortable speaking about it and to seek help. Awareness is more prevalent now in comparison to many years ago. Back in the day, you would hear things like he or she is just “crazy”. Now that more information is coming to the forefront. More people are being educated on this topic, including those that have mental illnesses and those that have loved ones that they are trying to understand how to handle such. One of these illnesses is called depression. Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also defined as a mental condition characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection, typically also with a feeling of inadequacy and guilt, often accompanied by a lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep.

I remember one of my many doctor visits pertaining to this illness. I asked what could cause this? One of her answers was “it may be as simple as your serotonin being too low. I asked in desperation “can you please run a test on me and see?” She laughed and said, “it would be great if it was that easy”. At that time, I had no idea what serotonin was. Now that I have done more research and seen other medical professionals regarding this illness. I have learned there are many causes. Research suggests that a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors could all play a role. Also, the loss of a loved one, serious illnesses, trauma, and other factors plays a role. What continued to run through my mind was what I had gone through before I was properly diagnosed with cancer. The many times that I went to the doctor, leaving with no answers. If it were that difficult to find a diagnosis that was physical, how in the world would they be able to diagnose an illness that could not be seen(mental)?

Depression along with many other mental illnesses is hard to describe. The best way I can explain it is that you feel stuck as if you and the world around you are all moving in slow motion. I struggle with it constantly; some days are better than others. One of the most accurate ways I have heard it described was by one of my favorite poets, she says “ one day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear, the next it is the bear on those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone”. You also have triggers (an event or situation) such as anniversaries, birthdays, maybe something you saw or something that someone said. Sometimes there are no triggers at all. You just fall into the pit. Some people are fortunate to climb out. For others like myself, it is like climbing out and your hands are right there on the edge as you are about to pull yourself up, you slide right back down. And this cycle repeats. This is not easy by far however, you still try your absolute best to show up for life. If you can push through and find the strength at all. Sometimes you simply cannot. You muster all the strength that you can, which no one besides you have a clue just how hard that is. Your life duties do not stop. You still must be a spouse, parent, sibling, friend, coworker, however many hats you must wear throughout the day and do it to the best of your ability. One of the best ways to describe it is this poem that was written by Stevie Smith called “Not Waving but Drowning,"

"Nobody heard him, the dead man

But still he lay moaning:

I was much further out than you thought

And not waving but drowning."

This poem resonates with me, sometimes you show up, wiping away the tears that no one even knows was there, pushing through the hopelessness, fighting through the dark days, and many other battles that only you are aware of. You are showing up with a smile but on the inside, you are sinking. On the outside, it appears that you are waving, but on the inside, you feel as though you are drowning.

Psalm 42:11 Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? I badger myself often with questions. Why am I feeling this way? What could I do to stop me from feeling this way? I even feel ungrateful, I have come so far and survived so much. Why can’t I just be happy and move on with my life? I should be happy right? Psalm 40:1-3 says I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my heart. I feel this is an enemy that only I can see but, God sees it too. Unlike Humpty Dumpty, we do serve a King that can put us back together again and while doing so places a new song in our hearts!!

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