Losing you was the hardest to go through, Not only did your heart stop mine did too

2020 has been a year for us all. Some of us have experienced loss, due to the virus that seemed to appear out of thin air literally and figuratively or an array of other health-related issues. Some of us have experienced loss to gun violence and pure hatred. Some losses have been to suicide and overdose. Some losses may have been purely accidental. However, you may have lost your loved one or ones please know that you are not alone. I have experienced several losses throughout my life. The emotions that flow through your body are many. Broken-hearted, grief, pain, anger, guilt, emptiness, restlessness the list continues. This may be the most tragic experience one can face in my opinion. Because you feel as if your hope is taken away. They are gone, and there is no coming back. No hearing their voice again, seeing their smile, hugging,

and loving on them. You are left with only memories. Also, these relentless feelings that haunt you. What could I have done differently? What if they would have just stayed at home that day? If only I could have talked to them one more time. What if I could have been there, maybe they would still be here. These feelings never go away and have the ability to paralyze you. Some days they are quieter on other days they are screaming at you.

This year I lost my baby brother in March he was 24 years old; he was shy of 25 his birthday was coming up in August. He was a victim of senseless gun violence. This was right at the beginning of the world shutting down. I had no idea what was happening globally because, for me, my world had stopped already. My baby brother was funny he had this contagious laugh and was exceedingly smart. He had this steadfast nature, devoted loyalty, and sway that personified courage. I remember our last conversation days before he transitioned. We talked about the pressures of this world and how diamonds are made during pressure. Before I could complete my sentence, he said “and once a diamond is created nothing can destroy it you hear me” I said YES!! My brother was the epitome of loyalty it ran deep in his veins. Even though we (his family) think of him being gone too soon, my brother became a true diamond. You see it is only then when you are in heaven with God and leave this here world that you are truly indestructible.

In 2015, I found out I was pregnant I was shocked, to say the least. My body had been through

so much fighting cancer, honestly, I did not think I could get pregnant. Due to the chemicals that were still in my body. My fiancé at the time, saw me getting out of the car one day and told me that I was pregnant. I looked at him like, how dare you? I thought it was just his way of saying I was getting big because all I did at this time in my life was eat, eat more, and sleep. This could not be true or could it? I rushed to the store to buy the test that knows before you know. I was shocked, to say the least at the results. I scheduled a doctor’s appointment ASAP. I just knew it was a false positive. After the nurse got my urine sample, I am sitting watching her dip the stick in. Before I could get it out am I preg.....YES was her answer. I was several months along. Terrified at first, but then the terror eased, and I began to feel hopeful. Now I’m going to have something to live for! Now I will have someone to fight for! Now I will finally have a purpose!! I awake in the middle of the night bleeding just a little, I automatically call my doctor’s emergency line. The nurse stated that it was normal, but I knew something was not right. I went to the doctor and they ran several tests and did ultrasounds. Everything looked and appeared fine. I still was uneasy; I just knew something was not right. Especially a few weeks later when I began to

taste blood. They ran several tests again, this time I immediately was admitted to the hospital. I gave birth via cesarean to my baby, who was stillborn.

I lost my grandmother /mother in 2011. The woman that raised me. I remember when I was a teenager, I use to pray that I left this world first because I could not fathom a world without her in it. She was a real life superwoman. I know we all say, “my grandma has the best cooking” But NO my grandma really did!! I moved out after graduating from college and starting my career. I would still go over to her house every day. Spending time with her was my absolute favorite past time. We had that southern tradition for the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas everyone would meet at her house. Super fun times. Since she passed it truly has not been the same. My grandmother was in and out of the hospital frequently in her later years. She never complained though. EVER! Soon as she gets out, she would come home and prepare a feast for dinner as if nothing ever happened. One Friday, I did my usual routine and went over after work. She was reluctant to come outside at first, but I ended up convincing her as usual. We sat on the porch and laughed and talked for hours. Sunday, I received a phone call that she had stopped breathing. I remember while at the hospital my sister saying, “grandma will be okay”. She always was! But it was something about this time that felt different. She had stopped breathing again and I wanted them to continue to keep giving her CPR she could not leave. Here I am, in this empty hall starring through this glass window it’s 8 to 10 doctors and nurses in her room trying to resuscitate her. One of the nurses finally looks up at me through the window with a sorrowful look in his eyes. I knew then she was gone.

Losing a parent, a child, a sibling, and losing other loved ones has definitely taken its toll on me. Grief has become attached to me like a hornet that lands onto your skin. Each loss has taken a piece of me. I cried out to God shortly after losing my baby brother. After losing him it triggered other losses that I still have not quite processed. I needed God to ease this massive, burdensome weight on my heart if only a little pressure could be relieved, I prayed. I felt as though I was about to completely lose it. I grabbed my bible, and I came upon a verse quickly one that I had never seen or heard before. Ecclesiastes 4:2 “Therefore I praised the dead who were already dead. More than the living who are still alive. Yet. Better than both is he who has never existed. Who has not seen the evil work that is done under the sun.“ This verse came at me in perfect timing!! Had I not found this verse on that day, I am not sure if I would be writing to you today. Daily I cling to this verse. It gives my heart solace.

No, I may not be able to move on, it is still very much so painful as if it all happened yesterday. What I can do is work on making peace with my grief, trying my best to channel it into something positive. What is it that your loved one taught you while here? No matter the amount of time they had here on this earth. What are some characteristics of your loved one that you love the most? Remember those things and embody those traits so that their legacy lives on in you and through you! Starting today, I will continue to embody courage, shown by my baby brother, resilience, shown by my grandmother. For my baby that never got to experience the evil work done under the sun, I will stop looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and find God in the darkness!

James 4:14 “yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.” We all must face this fate at some point. I realized something vital this week. To our love ones that we still have here on earth. Let us love the HECK out of them while we are given another day to do so. Shower them with your time, your attention, your affection, and most importantly, did I mention your LOVE! As the saying goes give them their flowers while they are alive!!!! Furthermore, Love yourself, be gentle with yourself. Psalm 126:2 says, “Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations The Lord has done great things for them” God wants us to be happy, remain mindful of how blessed you are in spite of.

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